Ergo
lives somewhere between the olden days and last
week, and is middle sized. He likes music and
would love to play the piano, but is challenged
in that ambition by the absence of hands, but,
as he is quick to point out, he does have “knobbly
bits”. He meets a Fairy called Elsie (known
as “Little Else”) and when he is
far away from her he thinks of Little Else.
Elsie, unusually for a fairy, finds Ergo attractive,
and Ergo feels the same about Elsie, but they
are too shy to exchange this important information.
Hearing about the evil Pigfrogs that come out
at Christmas to squash you just for fun, Ergo
becomes incensed, and, aided by Nigel and Dotty
Farnsbarnes (Elsie’s sister and brother-in-law,
who own his and hers matching combat helicopters)
he recruits a mighty army of slugs, trolls,
humanoid creatures and travelling pixie accountants
called gnome-adds. They fight the Pigfrogs by
pretending it is Christmas when it isn’t,
and tempting them from hibernation in order
to do battle with them while the enemy is half
asleep and confused. The military regime of
General Moundrot (whose wife, Ursula also wants
to play the piano) is made less efficient by
the idiotic Captain Quirkhardt who after leading
Third Battalion to its doom at the “hands”
of the slugs, is imprisoned by his boss, ready
for torture, and finds himself in the same cell
as ERGO, who has been captured during the first
big battle.
Quirkhardt and Ergo, although natural born enemies,
escape from Pigfrog Command by dressing as washerwomen,
unfortunately just as plucky Little Else is
breaking into Pigfrog Command, coincidentally
also disguised as a washerwoman in an attempt
to rescue Ergo. She becomes imprisoned in the
very cell from which Ergo and Quirkhardt have
just escaped.
Eventually, helped by three flies called The
Time Flies, -who travel through time in a converted
thimble, Elsie escapes and declares her love
for Ergo. They become engaged. Quirkardt, now
captured by the slugs, spies against them in
order to regain the favour of his General.
General Moundrot decides once and for all to
attack the slug headquarters, situated in Nigel
and Dotty’s tree house in Woodland Land.
It is snowing heavily. The slugs and Trolls
dig into the snow and watch as the Pigfrogs
destroy their beloved tree house barracks, but
Little Else bravely stands up to General Moundrot
and is about to lead the slug army against the
superior Pigfrog force when a piano falls from
the sky and knocks General Moundrot out, causing
his army to flee. The piano has fallen from
one of the helicopters, which has arrived in
the nick of time, bringing Ergo back from Pigfrog
command.
Having been hit on the head, Moundrot becomes
the nicest Pigfrog you could hope to meet, and
insists that all Pigfrogs should join the scouts
and girl guides and do at least one good turn
every day.
Our epilogue shows Ergo and Elsie, years later,
peacefully married, with two children, all living
in Don’t Be So Ridiculous Valley, which
is thus called because it is actually a hill,
and hills go upwards, whereas valleys go downwards
and along. Pessimists may say that hills go
downwards, but they don’t, they go upwards.
And Ergo can play the piano.
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